Only British people will find these money realities funny

  • Feeling accomplished if you can get your petrol/diesel spend dead on the pound at pump including wiggling nozzle for last few drops.
  • Trying the cash machine anyway when the person in front of you say that it isn’t working.
  • Always asking for ‘a few’ BBQ sauces at McDonalds in the hope they give you more than 1 or 2.
  • The huge sense of relief after your perfectly valid train ticket is accepted by the inspector
  • Loudly tapping your fingers at the cashpoint, to assure the queue that you’ve asked for money and the wait is out of your hands
  • Looking away so violently as someone nearby enters their PIN that you accidentally dislocate your neck
  • Waiting for permission to leave after paying for something with the exact change
  • Constantly comparing the prices of confectionary to when you were younger. e.g. Freddos used to be 10p
  • Asking the bouncers at the nightclub to stamp both hands & even your arms so you’re guaranteed to get back in
  • Realising that the free eye tests from the NHS probably was needed
  • Saying hello to a friend in the supermarket, then creeping around like a burglar to avoid seeing them again
  • Watching with quiet sorrow as you receive a different haircut to the one you ordered
  • The overwhelming impulse to walk to a different bit of platform once you see the train arriving
  • Being unable to pay for something with the exact change without saying “I think that’s right”
  • When you visit London and the barman tries to charge you £6 for a pint of beer
  • When you find that someone at the supermarket has re-arranged the spices to spell something rude
  • The sober realisation when your mystery free parcels arriveenhanced-23615-1403007910-5
  • Punishing people who don’t say thank you by saying “you’re welcome” as quietly as possible
  • Not being charged for a 5p bag and thinking you’re basically in the same criminal leagues as the Kray twins
  • Realising you’ve got about fifty grand’s worth of plastic bags under your kitchen sink
  • Staring at your phone in silent horror until the unknown number stops ringing
  • Never asking for Domino’s Dips until after you’ve paid in the hope they will give you them for free instead of charging you £1 for 3
  • Paying with a £20 note and saying, “sorry that’s all I’ve got” then fumbling through your wallet again just to prove it
  • Actively asking strangers in the street where the nearest free cash point is
    cash-points
  • Filming an entire fireworks display / concert on your phone, knowing full well you’ll never, ever watch it again
  • Saying “anywhere here’s fine” when the taxi’s directly outside your front door
  • Paying the restaurant bill for a meal you really hated and then when the waiter/waitress says “was everything OK with your meal?” you reply “Yes, was good thank you”, then complain to all your family/friends who ask about the meal.
  • Where do you want to eat? “It’s up to you” – Translation: Keep suggesting things until you say the thing I’d like to do
  • Going outside of the club to find your mate who hasn’t paid to enter the club yet, licking your entry stamp on your hand & squeezing your hands together so the stamp smudge on to your mate’s hand so they don’t have to pay.
  • The overwhelming sorrow of finding a cup of tea you forgot about and then the secret microwaving of said cup
  • Using a vending machine purely because you think you might be able to knock down the stuck item to get it for free
  • After a night out, instead of getting a costly takeaway coming home for tea & toast
  • Seeing someone with a Scottish bank note and hearing someone in the bar saying “It’s legal tender”
  • Panicking if someone gives you a Scottish banknote
  • “They didn’t have any” – Translation: I forgot to look
  • “Do you fancy a couple of pints” – Translation: You and I both know that we won’t stop at two pints, let’s get pissed
  • Saying “Hello” when the staff at the bar have seemingly ignored you and served everyone else before you
  • Shrugging & shaking your head with the person next to you at the bar whilst you both wait to be served
  • When you get your MOT done and the mechanic is honest about your carenhanced-20835-1403002392-13
  • Get called Sir/Madam in McDonlads and feeling posh
  • Buying Lucozade only when you’re hungover
  • Using a self service machine in a shop and clutching your receipt like your life depends on it when walking past the security guard
  • Saying thank you to the cashpoint as you walk away
  • “Just popping out to get some lunch, does anyone want anything?”, someone says yes and you genuinely hate them
  • Telling your younger siblings / children the noise the ice-cream van makes is only when they’ve run out of ice-cream
  • Your relatives telling you “give me three rings” when you get home so it doesn’t cost either of you money
  • “Sorry, is anyone sitting here?” – Translation: Unless this is a person who looks remarkably like a bag, I suggest you move it
  • “I thought it’d be nice to go out and enjoy the sun” – Translation: I want to go to the pub
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